Maxims and tactics for dealing with assholes on the Internet (and elsewhere)

The first rule

If that's too much to remember, here's a shorter version:

(“Don't what?” “Just don't.”)

Other mottoes and maxims

• Nobody is making me reply, except myself

• If I'm arguing with an asshole on the Internet, it's because I'm an asshole on the Internet

• 100 Likes on Twitter, plus $3.95, will get me a free latte at Starbuck's

• If something I'm doing is making me feel bad, then I should stop doing it

• If people see me arguing with an asshole on the Internet, they'll think of me as an asshole on the Internet

• When you wrestle with a pig, you both get muddy

• I can't expect to control other people's behavior when I can't even control my own behavior

  (Thomas à Kempis)

• I can't expect to fix other people when I can't even fix myself

• You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink

• Assholes on the Internet are not my friends, family, or co-workers. They cannot hurt me or impede my life or affect me in any way whatever

• Don't throw good money after bad

(Will Durant)

Tactics

• The most cutting response is to show the other person that you don't consider them worth responding to.

• What assholes on the Internet want, more than anything, is attention. To ignore them is to deprive them of their deepest satisfaction.

• Begin the morning by saying to yourself, I shall meet with the busy-body, the ungrateful, arrogant, deceitful, envious, unsocial. Probably on Reddit.

  (Marcus Aurelius)

• If you are having an argument, don't pretend that the other person is forcing you to do it.

• Think of someone you respect, but that you haven't met. Imagine what they would think of your behavior. Are you embarrassed?

  (I picture Tim Gowers.)

• Wait twenty-four hours before replying. You may find that the whole thing seems ridiculous and that you no longer care to reply.

Addenda

I left out a good one: If I'm tempted to end a sentence with “… you blockhead”, I should just end it with a period, and imagine that readers will feel the psychic reverberations of “you blockhead”. Remember Old Mrs. Lathrop:

“You don’t have to!” shouted old Mrs. Lathrop out of her second-story window. Although she did not add “You gump!” aloud, you could feel she was meaning just that.

(Dorothy Canfield Fisher, Understood Betsy)

20250419

"Don't throw good money after bad" is a bit oblique. Maybe a better phrasing would be “it's never too late to shut up”.

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